Let's Talk

I’m going to Africa.  It’s a mission trip in June.  I’m sorry that the last post was pretty much a stream of consciousness.

For anyone just tuning in, God has been dealing with my heart for a couple of months now.  So I’ll recount and give a synopsis of what has happened so far.

I register my kids for camp.

The very next day, God says “Go to Africa.” So I argue, “What about my kids?”  Well, the camp is the same week as the mission trip so besides getting them there and having them picked up they are taken care of.

My mom has no weddings booked (she’s a caterer) so she can keep my 3 yr. old. that week.

I have no conferences dates on either side of the mission trip to prevent me from going. (And just a month ago, I was concerned about not having dates in June.  Guess I know why now.)

I tried to argue about money, but deep in my heart I know this will be taken care of. God has gone ahead of me on everything else.

Every question I have had he has quickly had an answer and in His Word at that. We know His Word is truth.

God brought two friends to mind when this  first started that I asked to pray for me concerning this.  They both confirmed and encouraged that what I was hearing was from the Lord.

My husband has been praying for me to go for sometime, and seems to be at peace with everything.(This caught me off guard a little.  He had mentioned it before.  But I took it as “Oh honey, I got to go on a mission trip and I think you should get to go on one.” He was a little more serious than that.)

God answered clearly through His word to many of my questions. (See the last 2 post.)

So I thought I would test the “parents will worry” issue when my mom visited this last weekend.  She said, “Oh I’ve  been burdened for Africa.”  I said, “Oh do you want to go with me?”  She said, “Oh no, but now I know why I’ve been burdened for them.”

God continues to speak today as I read His word. “The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.” Galatians 5:6  ”Come near to God and he will come near to you.” James 4:8  I want nothing more than to be near him, so that all the other noise of life is drowned out.   My inadequacies for this trip are at times overwhelming to me and God says, “Humble yourself before the Lord, and He will lift you up.” James 4:10

So today I have peace.  I have commitment to go.  It feels surreal. It feels exciting and scary. It feels unnerving.  And yet I am calm.

I am praying that God will help my mind slow down so that I can sleep a little.  And even here the Word says, “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat – for He grants sleep to those He loves.”  Ps. 127:2

What is so profound about God’s promises today is that I’m going on this mission trip with my church but partnering with an organization called Sweet Sleep. “…He grants sleep to those He loves.”  He definitely loves the 147 million orphans in our world. Sweet Sleep’s mission is “A bed for every head.”  They are taking beds to orphans all over the world.  You can visit their website www.sweetsleep.org

This is a step of faith for me – “Without faith it is impossible to please God.” Heb. 11:6  I can’t wait to see how he will work next.

Again I’m posting this a few days after the revelation because I too need time to process this.

I’m pretty good today. Haven’t been as emotional in the last 24 hrs. But still my mind can be diverted so easily.  This probably wouldn’t be so easy if I could just get some sleep over this – over Africa.  I woke up the other night (it was 1:45 AM) and thought “I can’t go to Africa, I don’t have a passport.”  I thought they were still on a 6 month wait, but found out today that it will take about 8 weeks.  It’s those kinds of things that just cause me to open my eyes at night and then my mind is going.

God already answered the questions I had last week.

So this week I asked Him – God do you really want me to go to Africa? And He said – “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation.”  Mark 16:15

I said, “But God there is so much to do and I am not a carpenter to build beds. What should you have me do there?” – and God said, “I just want you to love. The command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, you must love one another.  By this, all men will know you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

Then I got down to the nitty gritty and I said, “God, I believe you have things to be done in Africa, but honestly you know where I am hung up. So should I really go ahead and sign up to go? Or should I wait until I have some money for a deposit and then sign up?” And God said, “Faith without action is dead.” James2:17

So last night online I filled out the application through the church.  Tonight I hope to get the one done through Sweet Sleep.

I filled out the application and of course there is a deposit.  There is a little confusion over how much because more than one agency is involved.  But God is NOT the author of fear and confusion.  And with even a tad of confusion – BAM!!!!  Satan has my thoughts occupied again with that.”  But I have to stop myself quickly to say – first off they (Sweet Sleep) are not asking for the money today or even tomorrow.

It is a real battle back and forth in my mind like this.  I’m starting to feel a little spiritually spastic. So many times, my mind knows the answer, I guess that is where my faith has to back it up.

I am posting this about week after it has happened, so that some of you could read this journey and understand where God has been speaking to me from and about.

Ok, here I am.  11:39 pm and I can’t sleep.  I read, I pray, and sometimes I cry.   OH my GOODNESS this feels so fast.

I have not been on a mission trip since college, BUT  I can’t get Uganda off my mind. I guess my thoughts about Uganda have been coming in a progression for a little more than a month now.  But in the last couple of week the thoughts of Uganda occupy my mind.

I’ve been perfectly fine to serve as prayer partners for others or keep their kids, or feed their animals, and support missions in those ways, and yet I’ve never thought about the places that my friends have gone the way I think about Uganda. I’ve been perfectly fine to serve from here.

I keep telling God that I could go to Moldova in Oct. and the next time I turn around I’m thinking about Uganda not Moldova.   I find myself wondering what is going on there and I’ve never been there to wonder that.

I have argued that it is only because of Katie’s blog that I’m thinking this, (www.amazima.org) and that our Bible study is just stirring in my heart.  Seems logical right?  Only this trip is not really going anywhere near Katie and I still think about it.

It seems like a lot of money to come up with in a short amount of time. And yes, I find myself arguing about this with God, because you know that if the devil is going to hang me up, that this is a very easy button to push.  And yet in the back of my mind, it’s like I know this will be fine, but it is so far beyond my comprehension as to how.

I know that God has more to show me and it honestly scares me a little bit.  (A very sweet friend said to me, “Apparently God really has something that he wants to show you and he wants to go to Africa to see it.”)

I have no more argument about what to do with the kids – that was worked out today without my even mentioning it to anyone.

I have no conference dates that conflict with the dates of the trip, so I lost that argument.

I think B’s and my parents would worry but they survived him going to Thailand.

Any other argument I have tried to come up with, holds no water.

As I write this I’m trying to come up with something, anything to help me negate what I’m thinking.  Nothing.

I’m starting to get a little emotional about it.  Even now as I’m writing this my heart is beating faster, and I feel funny.  (That is most likely because I have let someone else in on my thoughts and I don’t do that very often.)

My biggest argument is the money.  AND that’s it.  Well – and fear.  I’ve never been away from my family that long, or that far away.

AND to really throw me off my keister when I talked to Brandon about it last night, he said that he has been praying for me about this for a long time. Well, ever since he came home from Thailand.

So I will pray that God’s word will be clear and that I will obey without fear and trepidation.  I keep saying, “God is not the author of fear and confusion.”

But really God, Africa?

Last night in our LifeGroup we discussed God’s Word.  We discussed it’s presence or prominence in our daily lives, how much we do or don’t spend time in it, and how inadequate we sometimes feel in knowledge of it.  One person pointed out that knowing God’s word is not a test, it’s a relationship.

Our pastor said yesterday morning that most people spend an average of 20? something hours a week watching TV.  And that it only takes 72 hours reading slowly to read the Bible from beginning to end.  I was terribly convicted by this.  In my Bible study, a book titled “Crazy Love,” by Francis Chan, I am being challenged to not stop at the conviction but rather to be catapulted into action.  So I am placing my schedule before the Lord, to ask where I am misusing my time.

For example: I was reminded of  instructions like that in Duet. 6. “These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”  (vs. 4-9)

The question is do I spend enough time in God’s Word to know it well enough to “talk about them when I sit at home, when I walk along the road, when I lie down and when I get up?”  NO.  A resounding NO.  And Satan will not win here anymore.  He will distract me from time to time, I know this.  But I am asking God for a thirst for HIM, for His Word, for His presence, for His spirit, for His heart.

Francis Chan writes, “God doesn’t want religious duty. He doesn’t want a distracted, half-hearted “Fine, I’ll read a chapter….now are You happy?” attitude. (addition by me, neither does God want us to read a chapter so that we can check it off our “to do” list for the day.) God wants His Word to be a delight to us, so much so that we meditate on it day and night. In Psalm 1, He promises that those who do so are “like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither. Whatever he does prospers.” (vs. 3)

He continues, “People who are obesessed with God have an intimate relationship with Him. They are nourished by God’s Word throughout the day because they know that forty minutes on Sunday is not enough to sustain them for a whole week, especially when they will encounter many distractions and alternative messages. ”

I have thought quite a bit lately on how we hear God admist the distractions and alternative messages. I know and have been challenged to put into action that one for sure way to hear from God is His Word.  His Word is the living breathing word of God – so it always speaks.  Whether or not we get anything from it, depends on whether or not we are listening when we read it.  God promises us that His Word will not return void.  So we must spend time in God’s Word.  So that when we “encounter the distractions and alternative messages” during our day we will be able to weed out what is false and know what is true.

Somewhere last week I read, “do you know how to tell how crooked a crooked stick is?  You lay it next to a straight stick.” God’s Word is that straight stick that we can use to judge other things in our life to see if they line up.

As I prepare for Africa, please help me listen more Lord, as I truly desire to know you more!

I started writing this last week when LeighAnn was in Haiti but my thoughts felt really scrambled, so here is a more collected thought.

My friend, LeighAnn, is Haiti right now working with orphans.  She went with a team from our church to help with the orphans.  There are children who are withdrawn and do not talk and sometimes they will latch on to someone on the team.  This happened to LeighAnn today.  A little boy came and sat beside her and the longer he sat, the closer he got.  He eventually ended up with his arms around her waist. He just needed to be close to someone.

I started to wonder with so many children and so many needs, how long has it been since he was able to get next to someone who would hold him, make him feel secure and loved?  My heart is breaking for those children.  God is so much bigger than I can comprehend and His ways are not my ways and I do not always understand.  And yet, I find myself wondering, “How will God love all of these children?”  ”Are there enough arms to go around?”  ”Who will step and go?” “Should it be me?” “How long will people go, and be, for the moment –  the absent arms?”  ”How must it feel to just have another person come and go in and out of their lives?”

In human love – this would not be done very long .  Most of us will go back to our lives after reading about it or watching the news.  Well, I don’t want to be part of that “us” anymore. I don’t want to let my heart just sigh as in “oh how sad.” But even in this, I –  we must trust that God is in control.  And that  - His ways are not our ways.  I have had to say that over and over again lately – His ways are not our ways!  God is in control and so we must listen and go when he says go. And we must wait and pray when He says wait.  Through our faith and trust in Him, His love will be the hands and feet.  His love will be the absent arms.  His love is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

My pray in this is that I will be ready to go when He says go.  That God alone will show me how to be His hands and feet.